The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
