morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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