Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
