A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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