I wish I could punch you in the face.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
