I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
