This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
