so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
