Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
