nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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