a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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