i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Every concussion has its silver lining
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
