my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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