My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
