Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
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