Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Is it penis luge time yet?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
