Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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