i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
