My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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