Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
