I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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