Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
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just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
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So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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