During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
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You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
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This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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