i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
