the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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