Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
