It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
