Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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