How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
