my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
