I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
