i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
