So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
