i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The beer is more important than you right now.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
