Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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