i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
