God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Too much gin, very little bucket
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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