Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
