your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just sucked dick on a ferry
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
