Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
