omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
