I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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