I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
