I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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