It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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