is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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