is your mom at the bar?
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm too high and old for this...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
