I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
