I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
