My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
