theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
