Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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