Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
