I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
