i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
