Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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